Negative Emotions = Action Signals

Negative Emotions = Action Signals

Negative emotions are action signals that simply tell us there is an action we need to take in our life.

They are to be listened to and understood.

Unfortunately, this is not common knowledge. But once you have gained the knowledge and you know the steps, you are liberated.

I can PROMISE you, once you’ve finished reading, you’ll know EXACTLY how to fully utilize each negative emotion to your maximum advantage.

So, the action signal will indicate you to do one of two things:

• Change perception

• Change procedure

Simply put, the pain from a negative emotion is offering a message.

The message is to either look at things differently (change perception) or communicate and behave in a new way (change procedure).
Ignoring the signal will only intensify the negative emotion and its accompanying pain.

You may need to change:

• The way you’re looking at a situation, therefore changing the meaning you place on it

• The way you’re communicating your desires/needs to someone

• The way you’re behaving to get a new response

I’ll say it again, they exist as a signal.
We must pay attention to what we’re feeling and act accordingly, rather than ignoring the signal and only intensifying our own pain.

Before we move on, let me briefly explain in Layman’s terms what emotions are.

There’s no point in giving a detailed scientific answer, that’s not what you’re here for. Plus you could easily find a Jordan Peterson video which will explain it 10x better than I could (without me directly copying him).

So, emotions are signals that tell us how we are feeling and help us make sense of the world around us. Fundamentally, they help us survive by warning us of danger and guiding our actions.

Different parts of our brains work together to identify and respond to emotions. Emotions are not just based on what we experience, but also largely on how we interpret events. Our quality of life massively depends on the emotions we experience on a daily basis. You could be a billionaire who has the utmost freedom, but if you always live in a pissed-off state, then really, how good is your life?

Goals also play a HUGE part in our emotions. Our personal goals produce emotions because they tap into our desires and motivations. When we set a goal that aligns with our values and beliefs, we feel a sense of purpose and direction. This, in turn, produces positive emotions that drive us forward and help us achieve our goals.

Back to negative emotions, there are several ways people deal with negative emotions:

Avoiding: makes us play life ‘safe’ and therefore not fully enjoy or maximise life. E.g. not fully giving yourself to a relationship to avoid feeling hurt.

Enduring: takes a lot of energy from us and eventually we can get to a point where we can’t handle undigested emotions anymore, causing us to emotionally explode.

Denying: cuts off the flow of life and prevents us from moving forward.

Competing: using it as a flag to show others how negative the emotions we feel are. It is possible to become attached to that emotion, and subsequently, always fulfil that emotion.

Learning from them and utilising them: understand what the emotion is trying to tell us, learn from it, and apply it.

There is only one way we can move forward and get less negative emotion in the future – through understanding the message that emotions convey, learning from these messages, and utilising them.

The 6 Steps in Mastering Negative Emotions

Before we get into the action signals and their respective solutions, it’s crucial you know the 6 steps to follow when dealing with negative emotions.

1. IDENTIFY THE ACTION SIGNAL

The first step is to identify what emotion you are really experiencing.
This is achieved by going through the 12 action signals and asking yourself:
- What am I really feeling right now?
- Could it be something else?

2. ACKNOWLEDGE AND APPRECIATE YOUR EMOTIONS, KNOWING THEY SUPPORT YOU

Emotional mastery involves appreciating your emotions. Your emotions are never wrong and shouldn’t ever be perceived that way. This will only prevent honest communication with yourself as well as with others.

It is important to fully feel an emotion by being present with the feeling.
This is done by detaching ourselves from the storylines that are playing in our heads whilst we’re feeling an emotion, and then noticing any bodily sensations arising due to the negative emotion.

You will notice that specific emotions produce specific feelings in the body.
Furthermore, if you race to hurry out of a negative state without taking time to acknowledge and appreciate the emotion, then you will only be acting out of a negative state.

You are much more effective once you appreciate the feeling.

3. GET CURIOUS ABOUT THE MESSAGE THIS EMOTION IS OFFERING

When your feelings are approached with a sense of curiosity, you will learn a lot about yourself.

Getting curious helps you:
- Interrupt your current emotional pattern
- Solve the challenge
- Prevent the same problem from occurring in the future

4. GET CONFIDENT

When was the last time you felt a similar emotion and handled it successfully? There is no doubt you can overcome the emotion again.

5. GET CERTAIN YOU CAN HANDLE THIS NOT ONLY TODAY BUT IN THE FUTURE AS WELL

See, hear, and feel yourself handling the situation.

6. GET EXCITED AND TAKE ACTION

It is time to get excited because you can:
- Handle this emotion with ease
- Take action immediately
- Prove to yourself that you’re capable of overcoming this emotion

The 12 Action Signals

Here are the 12 negative emotions. Each action signal below includes its respective messages, as well as practical ways for you to optimally resolve the emotion.

1. Discomfort

2. Fear

3. Hurt

4. Anger

5. Frustration

6. Disappointment

7. Guilt

8. Inadequacy

9. Overload/Overwhelm

10. Loneliness

11. Mild Depression

12. Resentment

1. Discomfort
This feeling does not have great intensity and can feel rather annoying.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you are suffering from boredom, impatience, unease, distress, or embarrassment.

Solution:
Method 1 - Change your state
You can change your state by changing physiology, focus, or language.

• Physiology is changed by exercise and movement, as well as power poses. How you use your body affects how you feel mentally and emotionally. You very well may have noticed that by the end of a workout, you feel a lot more positive and charged.

• Focus can be changed by meditation and deep breathing. Setting purposeful intentions or asking great questions can also be great ways to focus on something - where focus goes energy flows.

• Language can also impact our states by using positive affirmations. How you use language contributes to what emotions you feel, so choose words wisely when speaking to yourself and others.

Method 2 - Clarify what you want and why you want it
What is it you want from a situation? Clarify and focus on whatever that is.
This helps ease the feeling of discomfort.

2. Fear
This emotion brings levels of concern, intense worry, anxiety, fright, and terror.

Message: This emotion is telling you that something uncomfortable or negative may happen, and you may need to prepare for it.

Solution:
Step 1 - Review what you’re feeling fearful about
Be completely honest with yourself about what you are being fearful of.
Is it the fear of being embarrassed during a public speech?
Is it the fear of inadequacy during competition?
Is it the anxiety of somebody breaking into your home?
Whatever it is, write down exactly what you are fearful of.

Step 2 - Conclude what actions you need to take
Write down exactly what you need to do to prepare for whatever it is you’re being fearful of. Then either begin immediately on preparation or schedule it for a later time in the near future.
(DON’T procrastinate this, it will hugely exacerbate the fear.)

Additional tips -
Practising mindfulness is incredibly helpful for anxiety. Without going into too much depth here (as I will release a newsletter solely focused on mindfulness), here’s why mindfulness is fantastic for anxiety.

Mindfulness simply means paying attention to the present moment without getting lost in thoughts or worries about the past or future.
When you're anxious, your mind might be racing with thoughts about what might happen or what's already happened. By practising mindfulness, you can learn to allow those thoughts to simply pop up and go. As opposed to following them and subsequently becoming anxious.
This helps you feel calmer and more relaxed. It's like taking a break from worrying and just enjoying the moment.
With regular practice, mindfulness can help you feel more in control of your thoughts and emotions, which can hugely reduce anxiety over time.

Check out my Complete Mental Health Guide for other great tips on decreasing anxiety & depression, whilst increasing feelings of happiness.

3. Hurt
This emotion dominates relationships and is usually generated by a sense of loss.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you have an expectation which has not been met.

Solution:
Step 1 - Realize that you may not have lost anything
Ask yourself: “How easily can this relationship be repaired?”

Step 2 - Re-evaluate the situation. Is there really a loss here?
Have you really lost out? Or have you learnt about yourself and the other person?
Could things be better off now that you’ve seen things in a different light?

These questions are also very important to ask yourself. A sense of loss can blind us from seeing the positive of letting go and moving on.

Step 3 - Elegantly and appropriately communicate your feelings of loss to the people involved (if necessary)
For this step, it is very important to think about what you’re going to say and to use ‘I’ language throughout. For example, say “I felt hurt when you did this” rather than “You hurt me when you did that”.

It is also very important to change your expectations for appreciation when repairing relationships.
For example, instead of saying “I expected this, and you didn’t deliver”, say “I appreciate what you’ve done for me, and I appreciate it is difficult to consistently hit my expectations, but...”

4. Anger
This emotion includes being irritated, angry, resentful, furious, or enraged.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that an important rule or standard that you hold for your life has been violated.

Solution:
Step 1 - Change your perception
You can’t be grateful and angry at the same time. Hence, gratitude is the antidote to anger. Changing your state and perception to one of gratitude helps ease the anger immediately.

At this step, you should also try to understand where someone else, or perhaps yourself, violated a standard you have for your life. Is there a way that you could see the situation in a new light, resulting in you dropping the anger?

Step 2 - Change your procedures
You could express to the other person that they have violated a standard for your life, and kindly ask them to not repeat it again.
You can also make other people aware of this standard you have, reducing the possibility of you being triggered by it being broken again.

Step 3 - Change your behaviour
Is it something that you did that caused the other person to violate a standard of yours? Or perhaps, is it something you did to yourself which has made you angry? If so, vow to never repeat the same mistake, and carry the lessons of this experience forward.

On a side note, I do emotional well-being coaching.

If you struggle to implement any of the habits, I’d be happy to help.

We can jump on a friendly consultation call to see if we’re a good fit.

Click here to book your call.

5. Frustration
This emotion comes from feeling surrounded by roadblocks. We feel like we put in the effort, but do not receive rewards for it.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that your brain believes you could be doing better than you currently are.

Solution:
Method 1 - Become more flexible (please don’t attempt the splits)
Take a deep breath. Relax.
When feeling frustrated, sometimes all it takes is a bit more flexibility on our part to achieve the desired outcome.
Don’t beat yourself up – take a little break, return to the situation in a short time, and look at the situation objectively. Then assess what can be done for progression.

Method 2 - Find a role model/mentor, someone who has found a way to get what you want
Good role models & mentors can direct us down the right path to our desired outcomes, as they have significantly more experience. They can save us a lot of time and tremendously help our frustrations.

Additional tips –
When dealing with frustration, it always helps to get fascinated by what you can learn to help you handle this challenge.

However, if you feel burnt out and have lost interest in the challenge, then refer to Step 1 of dealing with discomfort – change your state! Return to dealing with frustration once that’s done.

Finally, get fascinated and take action!

6. Disappointment
This emotion is about feeling let down or that you will miss out on something. It is felt when you expected to get more than you received.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that an expectation you had is probably not going to happen.

Solution:
Method 1 - Change your expectations for appreciation
This step can be actioned in two ways:

• A way to take the sting out of disappointment is to be grateful and appreciate what that person has done for you in the past, knowing that just because an expectation wasn’t met this time, it doesn’t now mean that this person did not add value to your life.

• Appreciate that the expectation was not met! It may have opened your eyes to reality. You can now see more clearly if people are who you thought they are. Lowering or completely getting rid of expectations prevents you from being let down in the future by this person.

Appreciate, smile, and move on.

Method 2 - Change your life conditions
If you feel so disappointed, maybe it is time to step up your game so that you are self-sufficient enough to expect from yourself what you expected from the other person.

Method 3 - Set a new goal or standard
It is possible to set an unreasonably high expectation and only realize it once someone has easily violated it. Sometimes our standards need to be adjusted.

Method 4 - Realize the situation isn’t over yet and develop more patience
Depending on the situation, sometimes you may just need extra patience instead of jumping to disappointment once an expectation wasn’t met.
Could you find out why it wasn’t met before feeling disappointed?

Additional tip - Cultivate an attitude of positive expectancy about what will happen in the future
A positive attitude about the future goes a long way when you’re feeling disappointed. Take appropriate measures so you can have confidence in a better future filled with less disappointment.

7. Guilt
This emotion is about regret and remorse.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you have violated one of your highest standards and you must do something immediately to correct it.

Solution:
Step 1 - Acknowledge that you have violated a critical standard you have set for yourself
Looking within is a must when you are feeling guilty.
It is tempting to look out and attempt to drown the guilt.
However, this only makes the guilt stronger.
Be honest with yourself and acknowledge.

Step 2 - Absolutely commit yourself to make sure this behaviour will never happen again
Look in the mirror and promise yourself this won’t happen again.

Step 3 - Utilize guilt to drive you to hold yourself to a higher standard
Guilt can be a strong reminder to stay committed to a higher standard.
It is strong enough to keep us in check.

8. Inadequacy
This emotion is about unworthiness and the feeling that we can’t do something we think we should be able to do.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you don’t presently have the level of skill necessary for the task you are trying to accomplish, and you need more information, understanding, strategies, confidence, and resources.

Solution:
Method 1 - Ask yourself: “Am I really inadequate, or do I need to change my perception?”
First, clarify if you are inadequate in this situation.
The feeling of inadequacy could stem from being overly hard and unrealistic with ourselves.

Method 2 - Appreciate the encouragement to improve
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to improve.
Appreciate the message and go improve!
It is always worth asking “Could I have improved this much without the feeling of inadequacy?” Chances are you wouldn’t have the drive to do so.

Feeling inadequate fuels growth. I’ll repeat that.
Feeling inadequate fuels growth.
Appreciate the feeling.

Method 3 - Find a role model/mentor – get coaching from them
Again, once you’ve established that you are inadequate here, you can find a mentor and ask for help.
Simply put, good role models and mentors can assess our abilities and determine what needs to be done to improve.

Again, if you need assistance implementing any of this, we can jump on a friendly consultation call to see if we’re a good fit.

Click here to book your call.

9. Overload/Overwhelm
These emotions & feelings are usually caused by an excess of information, stimuli, or demands on our attention, which can lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, or even physical exhaustion.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you need to re-evaluate what’s most important to you in this situation and you are dealing with too many things at once.

Solution:
Step 1 - Decide what the most important thing to focus on is
Firstly, write down all the things you need to focus on, then highlight the three most important. Now, circle the most important one.

Step 2 - Put the rest of the list in priority order
A list of priorities helps clarify what is important at this current time.
The Eisenhower Matrix is very helpful for this.

Step 3 - Tackle the most important thing on your list
Taking action will build confidence and eradicate feelings of helplessness and desperation. If possible, work on the most important task until completion.

Additional tips –
Start focusing on what you can control.
We feel empowered and in control when we focus on what we can control.
We feel helpless and inadequate when we focus on things we cannot control.

Work on progressive overload.
If it feels too difficult to begin working on a task, then you need to ask yourself: “How much time do I know for certain would I spend doing this?”

For example, let’s say you have an assignment for which you have been procrastinating. It would be wise to negotiate with yourself a low enough amount of time to spend on the assignment.
Say 15 minutes for the first day.
Then on the next day, you could do 20 minutes.

Increasing the time spent doing the work in increments will make it much easier to bounce back when you are feeling behind and overloaded.
This is also how you harness the power of momentum.

Change your state.
You must change your state when feeling overwhelmed. Refer to discomfort.
It is also imperative to place positive meaning on things that make you feel overwhelmed. If you don’t, then they will continue to make you feel this way.

10. Loneliness
This emotion is about feeling alone, apart, or separate from others.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that there is a need for connection with people.

Solution:
Method 1 – If you can reach out and make a connection immediately to end the loneliness, do it
Who do you have in your life that you can call/meet up with very soon?
If you do not have anyone that would fulfil the connection you currently desire, then act on method 2.

Method 2 –
Step 1 - Identify what kind of connection you want.
Is it a close friendship? An intimate relationship? Decide.

Step 2 - Begin connecting with more people.
Reach out, meet new people, join clubs/groups or whatever else you fancy.
It’s never been easier to reach out to people.

Although social media can make you feel very lonely, it can also connect you to real genuine people.
You just need to know how to DM properly.
Begin with value and a genuine compliment.
It goes a long way.

11. Mild Depression
This emotion is felt when you have a consistently low mood, lack of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed, and low energy levels.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that you haven’t been living right. By this I mean you may have indulged in too much instant gratification, and haven’t been delaying enough gratification.

I’m not going to discuss clinical depression as I’m not qualified to do so. However, I certainly know how to overcome mild depression in my own life.
Whenever I feel mildly depressed, the feeling is usually telling me that I haven’t been living right. By this I mean I have indulged in too much instant gratification, and I haven’t been delaying enough gratification.

Instant gratification activities feel somewhat pleasurable in the moment, but afterwards, you feel slightly worse.

These activities include:
- eating junk food
- watching Netflix
- drinking alcohol
- consuming social media
- taking recreational drugs
- consuming too much sugar
- masturbating and watching porn
- and other hyper-stimulating things.

Delayed gratification activities feel less enticing, but afterwards, you’re always glad you did them.

These activities include:
- exercise
- journaling
- mindfulness
- reading/learning
- deep focused work
- eating healthy meals
- and other beneficial activities.

So, when we indulge in instant gratification our lives get a tiny bit worse each time. And what happens when you overindulge is you one day wake up where the red circle is, and you begin to hate what you’ve done with your time.

You hate that you’ve wasted time. You slightly regret what you’ve done even if you don’t want to admit it, and you can easily begin to hate yourself here.
This is where mild depression can easily take a hold of your life, as depression is very closely linked to self-loathing.

Delayed gratification is the opposite. You one day wake up where this red circle is and love what you’ve done with your time.

By extension, you become super thankful for your younger self’s hard work. How good do you think that’ll make you feel?

Delayed gratification activities will no doubt rescue you from the pits of depression. They also prevent you from falling into the pits.

It irks me when someone says they feel depressed, but they do nothing about it. Understand this - whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.

I’ll repeat that - whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.

Solution:
Method - Progressive overload in positive habits
There is a simple but not easy solution to get out of mild depression.
As I mentioned, delayed gratification activities are the prescription. Therefore it is daily progress in positive habits that gets you out of a depressive state.

However, people who feel depressed have little energy to progress. As I mentioned in the overload section, you need to work on progressive overload.

Specifically in these good habits:
- exercise
- journaling
- mindfulness
- reading/learning
- deep focused work
- eating healthy meals.

These habits will no doubt rescue you from the pits of depression. It’s really that simple. The key is to start small and work your way up.

During each day in week 1, you could do 3 minutes of mindful meditation, 5 mins of exercise, and 20 mins of deep work.

Then during each day in week 2, you could do 5 minutes of mindful meditation, 10 mins of exercise and 30 mins of deep work a day.

The idea is to work your way up and make progress in these ultimate habits. Not only will you feel better because you are making progress, but you will feel better from the positive effects of these great habits!

That’s the prescription, right there.

If you are making excuses to not get out of this state, then you are certainly overindulging in the depressive feeling, as you are consciously choosing it.

Many others have felt depressed but did the uncomfortable hard work to get out of it. They also could’ve made excuses; they also suffered incredible mental pain. But they decided enough was enough, and persevered through it.

It’s possible for everyone to overcome mild depression, but if you make excuses, then you are choosing depression over a life of joy.

Ultimately, change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

Stop living like you have more than one life.

12. Resentment
This emotion is felt when you have a long-standing feeling of bitterness or anger towards someone that may have caused you or someone you love: harm, insult, or injury.

Message: This emotion might be telling you that there is a need for forgiveness, as well as unmet needs or expectations that require attention or change.

The seed of resentment is planted when we feel wronged.
It can then become easy to be preoccupied with getting an apology from them. If they don’t apologise, which is likely (as people usually don’t even realize how much they’ve hurt us), we start harbouring resentment.

Therefore the main way to overcome resentment is through forgiveness.

It’s important to know that forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves, not to the other person.
We forgive them so we have mental peace, and we forgive ourselves for holding onto the pain and disturbing our mental peace for as long as we have.

Solution:
Step 1 - Forgive
As I was just saying, we must forgive ourselves for holding on to the pain and suffering for as long as we have.
We must also forgive them, so we have mental peace, and not necessarily because they deserve to be forgiven.

Our mental peace is the priority.

Step 2 - Releasing our judgement
We do this by understanding that most people (not everyone) are doing the best they can with the resources they have, and that a lot of the time the people who have deeply hurt us didn’t intend to do so and they often don’t even realize how much pain they’ve caused us.

This includes us.

Whilst we were holding onto the resentment for as long as we did, we didn’t even realize how much inner peace we were sacrificing.

Don’t judge yourself or others too harshly.

Step 3 - Letting go of expectations
When we expect something from someone and it doesn’t happen, we feel wronged. And this feeling of being wronged creates the need for them to apologise, which in turn can create resentment if they don’t apologise!

Releasing expectations frees us from the potential for resentment to take root and develop in our hearts.

Thank you for reading.
I know it has provided value.
This is not common knowledge.
The fact that you’ve read this far shows that you’re serious about improving your overall well-being, and especially your emotional regulation level.

Need any help? You know what to do:

Click here to book your call.

Or simply email me at [email protected]

Not much more to be said.

I appreciate you spending time with me.

- Ryan Dhillon